lolz.info – Jokes blog

Man in a pub, “If you went camping and woke up in the morning with abloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?” Other man, “Bloody hell, no!”First man, “Want to come camping?”

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911operator told Bubba that she would send someone outright away.”Where do you live?” asked the operator.Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,”How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and youpick her up there?”

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.”Can I see your license and registration, bub?”, the cop inquired.”But officer,” the fellow started, “I can explain…”"Shut yer trap, bub!” snapped the officer. “You’re going downtownand sit a while till the sarge gets back.”"But, officer, I think you really should know…”"And I said to shut yer trap! You’re going to jail!”A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,”Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter’s wedding.He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”"Don’t count on it,” shot back the sap in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled inher favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She evenmanaged to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s hostcould ask her the big question.Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drovethem home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! Youknow I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and startedheading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked. “I have a little errand torun. I should be back soon.”After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wickedgrin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!” “What is it?” shecried excitedly.”OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And theanswer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’ ” The couple went to sleep with Jane,now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her thequiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggilybefore returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time asJane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though sheknew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began runningand the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Janeand asked the big question.”Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10seconds.”"Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. ” Six seconds.” “Eh, uh, theheart?” “Very good! Four seconds.” “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled itinto me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”"That’s close enough!” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

Santas DiversionSanta was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman wasawaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying “Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.”Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.”OH Santa, won’t you please stay?” she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighedand delivered a not too believable, “Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presentsyou know.”Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remainingclothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, “Oh, Santa, pleasereconsider? Stay with me?”With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, “Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.”And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, ploppinghimself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.”Santa! You decided to stay!” she exclaimed gleefully.Santa grinned and said “Hey – hey, gotta stay. Can’t get up the chimney THIS way!”Sent by Neicey

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students onenight. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speakersystem. “Listen to the sound of my voice…”, he kept repeating, “the soundof my voice… every word is a command… the sound of my voice…” Prettysoon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, eachone hanging on his every word.Needing to take a quick piss, he announced “I will have to leave the stagefor a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone” And thenhe repeated the words “the sound of my voice… every word is a command.” Ashe turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt,and yelled “SHIT!”

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are draggingtheir right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the otherknowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.” The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, “Dog shit, 20 feetback.”

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. “Would you like to dance with me?”he asked.She replied “Would I!”, and he sneered and told her,”BIG NOSE!”

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half-an-hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes thedrink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I wasjust joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to seea man crying.”"No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, Ioverslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,fired me.When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. Thepolice, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paidthe cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left homeand came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end tomy life, you show up and drink my poison …”

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into theliving room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix somedrinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel.He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says,”What’s this?”She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”He turns beat red in horror and goes, “Oh, well, er…I…”She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”